Weight Loss: Fell off the wagon

I am a stress eater.  I can't seem to get my stuff together when stress hits.  You have no idea how much I wish I was the opposite but I cannot seem to convert.  When I'm stressed I eat.  When I'm angry I clean.  When I'm sad I mope.  When I'm happy I do.  We are all just a creature of habits.

I started my stress eating at a very young age I think.  I remember cousins making fun of me for how I sounded like an elephant stomping when I walked around.  Then there was my father.  He was and is still I think a total health freak.  He never helped.  Just told I need to go to the gym with him because I was fat.  There was also this notebook I found one day from my step dad saying I was fat.  Needless to say  I never had a lot of support from the men in my life to help me not eat.  I just kinda dove in to food because if it was every where that I was fat than why try to be thin?

My issues with food got worse when I went to high school.  I don't think anyone noticed but I wasn't eating at all.  High school was my way to reinvent me.  And the new me wanted to be thin.  I ran.  I didn't eat.  I tried to throw up.  And I got caught by my mom.  The only family member who ever noticed anything in my life.  I broke.  And now I battle even harder.

I actually have the opposite image in my head...I think I'm skinnier than I am and then I buy clothes & cry.  They never look right.  I wish I was more comfortable in the skin I'm in but I'm not.  My husband helps.  He really does.  He fell in love with me when I was at my heaviest.  That man...he's truly something amazing.  I just wish he was a steady reminder but at the same time I don't want him to be.  I need to be my own steady reminder when it comes to better eating habits and exercising.  I need to be the one.  It needs to be for me.

Here it is.  I vow to make smarter decisions in what I eat.  To not allow my stress dictate what happens with my goal of personal healthiness.  To not listen to the negative memories or people.  To believe that my husband will love me no matter what and remind myself that this is for me.

I can do this.

I will do this.