The one question that I keep getting now is why. I wish I could say that it's an easy answer but I'd being lying. There's so many reasons why I felt the need to do this in my life. It may not be the reasons people assume when you say you want to lose 60 pounds. I am happy for the first time in my life in my own skin. I have a man that loves me to the moon and back. We have three children together that I absolutely love to pieces. I have rid myself of the unsupportive people and begun my journey for me. On a daily basis, I'm sewing for Nicole Michelle's Creations, blogging, managing a support page Shop Military Spouse Made, attending school for my BA and maintaining our household. Right now, I have it all. Well I almost do. My final step for me is to find a way to overcome my biggest worries of my weight.
First off, here's how I got here. I was a little chubby kid but never to a point of worry. It was as I got older that the issues started. My real father is a physical fitness fanatic. Well, our weekends together consisted of him being at the gym and telling me that I needed to exercise because I was fat. It was also supported by his girlfriend's nephew who used to make comments about an elephant walking in the room with an "oh wait! It's just Nik". There was no support there. No matter what I did or said it never stopped. Others would join in with him because he was the older one. He was the one the rest followed. Instead I found comfort in the bottom of a full size Doritos bag. I would go back home and my mom would not keep a lot of bad foods in the house but my mentality was already shot. Then one day I found a notebook where my step dad made a derogatory comment about how fat I was. Now I looked at myself like what was the point of trying? I was alone.
When high school started, I really felt out of place. It was at this point I began watching what I was eating because I did not see myself as pretty. At the same time, I was in full blown puberty and I sprouted 5 inches in one summer. My body was shifting and the weight was just falling off, so I ate less because I needed it more. Weighing myself became an addiction. I could not stop. I did not think that I was "normal" or even close to skinny. The numbers needed to get lower. Suddenly, my real father and everyone began to talk about how great I looked. They were proud of me. I had to keep going. I needed to be beautiful. It started to go too far. I was eating 5 carrot sticks for breakfast and the same for lunch. Chewing gum was my snack. No one noticed what I was doing but they all noticed how I looked so I continued and started running too. I fell into the horrible hole fast. Suddenly I was starving and began to binge. Well you know what comes next. It was probably only a couple weeks into the purging that I got caught. I had to come out to my mom. I've never gone back down that road again, but weight loss takes much more of me than anything else. I have to be sure that my head is in the right place and that I do not let that nasty disorder take over again.
As time passed by, I would gain 20 and lose 10 then gain 30 and lose 15. I could never go back. Not even the closest people knew the way I really saw everything. As well as my depression of my weight, I found myself in a bit of financial trouble. It's then that I found I was a emotional shopper. My waitressing could not handle my spending. I was a twenty one year old with a very large lump of debt. It led to more hours, more depression and finally bankruptcy. It was then that I began to come to term with my problems. I was at rock bottom emotionally. I had to overcome all the pressures or just lay down and die. But the latter was not an option to me. I started to be more active and watch what I ate for levels that were too much and more so too little. Things were finally getting better. I was growing into my own. I had been healing from my past and working towards a future. That's when I met my ex-husband.
I am sure that gives you a small insight to where this story is going. My ex-husband depended on me fully for financial support after our first year together. It was a fairy tale turn horror story. The money was only one of the many issues. He was a cheater. He would leave the house while I was lying in bed after facet injections to go and cheat on me. He cheated physically and emotionally. All of his words were lies except for the ones about me. I got into a bad car accident and let myself go. My husband at the time would not accept me and would not stop the lying or the cheating. I loved him. I supported. I worked overtime and had a consultant job on the side for him. He stripped me of everything I had worked so hard on. It took a lot for me to leave. And when I finally left, I was in shambles and barely emotionally living. I was eating myself to a size twenty and going to work everyday was a hard task. Because we were married I was working to still pay our bills until the divorce was final. Financially, emotionally and physically...I was at my lowest of lows.
I met Adrian while in that low. He quickly became my person. He was my person I went to for kind and healing words. With his help, I began to fix me. We met months later and he's been my person ever since. Yes, we've had our ups and downs but it was our growing pains. For those that have read about our story, I left my home and my job to be with him. He has supported our family in every way. My husband has loved me at my heaviest, my weakest and my lowest. Adrian has given me the ability to finally close the chapter of life working on my relationships with men. Now it is time to work on me again and to be able to help take care of him how he has for us.
What I really want...
- I want to give my children and my husband a supportive home to achieve good health. I am the homemaker, so if I teach my children that hot dogs and mac cheese are frequent dinner options, then I am telling them the habit of eating those things frequently is okay. They may look healthy now, but what happens when their metabolism doesn't power over those foods? They begin to battle weight like I have.
- I want to give a healthy mother and wife to my family. Diabetes is a disease found in my bloodline. Every pregnancy I have been in that danger zone for gestational diabetes. This is a disease that can be managed or avoided all together. Why simply let myself fall without a fight?
- Finally, I want to be that person for someone else that has not yet found their person. I know what it's like to keep falling and struggling. I know how hard it really is. I want to be that person who motivates and supports another to achieve the goals they're striving for. No one should ever have to go at it alone.