Be-You-tifully Fit: Riding the crazy mental train

I've been quiet.  Not abnormal for me.  I am quite the introvert...well unless we are close friends, then I won't shut up.  That's beside the point.  I've been quiet because I lack direction.  I lack direction because I burnt out.  I burnt out because I was crazily running like a mad woman.  Needless to say, I have been in a reflection period.  What do I want?  What am I doing?  Is it for me?  Is it for those around me?  Am I doing what I love or what I think is right?

Those questions become loaded with people who strive for what's next.  The to do list crosser outers.  The permanent ink planners.  The no sleep till the task is finisheders.

So let me share what is sitting on my shoulders weighing me down.  I have gained around 15-17 lbs from the lowest weight I have achieved in the last 5 years.  It was a weight that was still 6 lbs away from the "goal" set by myself when I still slid on those size 18 jeans.  Everything in my rational brain tells me that I need to look at the facts...

At my lowest weight (140 lbs), I was running skinny.  My body was wearing sizes 2, 4 & 6 but my body fat was a 28.7%.  I thought I was "fit" but I never realized until I joined the gym that it was only in appearance.

Now here's the crazy that I cannot seem to make myself believe...

140 x 28.7% = 40.18 lbs of fat

140 - 40.18 = 99.82 lbs of lean body mass (muscle, bones, tissue, etc.)

After 1 1/2 years of resistance training...

156 x 16.1% = 25.116 lbs of fat

156 - 25.116 =  130.884 lbs of lean body mass

You see that, right?  You see why I should be happy and stop this wild goose chase in my head with the number on the scale, don't you?  Those numbers mean that although I have "gained" 16 lbs in the last year and a half it has been 31 lbs of lean body mass.  THIRTY-ONE FREAKING POUNDS!  That's monstrous (in a good way)!  Not only that but I have actually decreased my body fat by 15 lbs!!!  So here I am thinking that I have totally fallen off my mark.  Off the wagon and streaking through the quad.  But really I have improved my body to new heights.

My point here is...  We all need perspective.  We all need to stop what we are doing and look.  We all need the basis of what we are trying to achieve to make sense.  I beasted my way through the spring season last year and somewhere from then to now I lost track of the why.  The answer is...  I have not been able to concentrate wholeheartedly on training for the last year because my negative body image ways of thinking began to take over.  They say the first point of recovery is acknowledging the problem, no?  Well, here it is.  Laid out for all to see.  Next step... to quiet that voice once more.