I know better, but here I am. Finding myself splurging on a variety of things. Eating my feelings. There’s no happiness at the bottom of the bag though. Running is tough. It feels like each one gets harder than the last. I attempted going to a place that my heart is happy and just run but the beauty in the picture does not match what’s in my heart. Truth be told all I continue to find is an overwhelming sadness. It’s rooted deep within the constant transition of people military life hands you.
Last year, I had to say “see you later” to one of my closest friends due to PCS orders. Our runs brought therapy and peace to life. The donuts or crafting afterwards was always a bonus too. But dropping her and her family at the airport hurt just as much as if I were leaving my own family again after a visit. I don’t think we truly realize how much of the family void our friends fill until they aren’t here to be on an emergency contact form or to escape to their house to be able to just talk face to face with another adult. And now I am leaving more with the PCS orders my husband has been given. It’s unimaginably hard to lose a piece or your entire village.
I’m trying to run through the sadness. I’m trying to be at peace with it all. I’m trying to not be upset, but how can I easily deal with having to let go of having women near me who will hold me and let me cry it out or just hold my hand to reassure me I’m not alone? How do I walk out into a new exciting adventure without people who normally are right next to me? The people who have made me a better person…the ones who have taken a spiritual journey with me…the ones that put me up in their home with no question. The only answer my praying and running is giving is you don’t.
There’s no easy way to deal with this major life change. This is another chapter of life closing so that the next one can open. I am resting my thoughts on the facts that I’ve been here before. And I survived even with little pieces of my heart sprinkled all over the place. It is not the end. It’s just a little harder to show up on their doorstep with coffee begging for an adult to speak with.
But right now, it hurts and that’s okay. It will get better. I will refocus and I will run happy again. I will fuel myself better again. I will feel better again even if that means obnoxiously messaging or video chatting.
Hoping you find happy in your running!