This last year has been hard. Like really hard. From August 2012, I had been on this crazy journey of learning to run and weight loss. In that time I have run over fifty races from 5Ks to ultramarathons. This body has gone from 212 lbs to 140 lbs (all-time high was 265 lbs in 2008) and had a baby in the middle of that. But I have also battled internally with imperfection. I have struggled to figure out the mess on the inside to not fall back into my old ways. I have tried to figure out what food is to me. Why is this so hard? Why do I keep falling off the wagon? What is it about food?
Food is my friend. It is the way that I cope with loneliness, sadness, stress, joy, and accomplishment.
Food never leaves me. When I go to the store, that candy bar is always there and if it by chance isn't, the nut butter or the sweets are.
Food pays attention to me. It sees me despite the acne, the stretch marks, weight gain, weight loss, introverting or extroverting.
Food is where I find my friends. It is the way we socialize. It brings us together!
Food is how I connect with my love. Our date nights or family fun times are planned around a restaurant or include some foodie adventure.
Food follows me. At work, food was the conversation because well fitness goes with food. I worked out aka I deserve ______.
Food needs to change. Food needs to become something different. Food needs to become fuel. Fuel to run a body that is tired of feeling run down and defeated. This body is battling itself because of hormones and antibodies that are filling it because of food.
As I go through this Master's program for Human Performance - Nutrition, I am working on changing the tides. The highs and lows need a better coping mechanism. Old ties to food need to be broken and new declarations need to be made. This is not just a passing thought. This is a declaration. Yes, I do "need" food but I do not need to perceive it this way.
Here's where I have begun on this road towards post-traumatic growth...
- Admission: I am now 173.8 lbs. I have gained weight due to inactivity and mindless, coping mechanisms.
- Intention: My body is my own. I can either feed it to fuel happiness and accomplishment or I can comfort feed it to continue playing it small and safe.
- Self-Talk: Statements of "I have never done _____ but I think I can" instead of "I don't think I can do that"
- Gratitude: Remove your focus on the negativity and place your mind in a place of gratitude. Want to change your life? Change your focus.
- Stop thinking: Not everything needs to be thought through. Just go and have fun!
A lifelong journey takes lifelong work. I will not get to where I am meant to be and then just magically stay there.
If you are not growing, you are dying.