Picture Me Imperfect: Food & I

2007 Marine Corps Ball in San Diego, CA Wearing a size 24 dress

This last year has been hard.  Like really hard.  From August 2012, I had been on this crazy journey of learning to run and weight loss.  In that time I have run over fifty races from 5Ks to ultramarathons.  This body has gone from 212 lbs to 140 lbs (all-time high was 265 lbs in 2008) and had a baby in the middle of that.  But I have also battled internally with imperfection.  I have struggled to figure out the mess on the inside to not fall back into my old ways.  I have tried to figure out what food is to me.  Why is this so hard?  Why do I keep falling off the wagon?  What is it about food?

Food is my friend.  It is the way that I cope with loneliness, sadness, stress, joy, and accomplishment.

Food never leaves me.  When I go to the store, that candy bar is always there and if it by chance isn't, the nut butter or the sweets are.

2014 Marine Corps Ball in Camp Lejeune, NC Wearing a size 6 dress

Food pays attention to me.  It sees me despite the acne, the stretch marks, weight gain, weight loss, introverting or extroverting.

Food is where I find my friends.  It is the way we socialize.  It brings us together!

Food is how I connect with my love.  Our date nights or family fun times are planned around a restaurant or include some foodie adventure.

Food follows me.  At work, food was the conversation because well fitness goes with food.  I worked out aka I deserve ______.

Food needs to change.  Food needs to become something different.  Food needs to become fuel.  Fuel to run a body that is tired of feeling run down and defeated.  This body is battling itself because of hormones and antibodies that are filling it because of food.

As I go through this Master's program for Human Performance - Nutrition, I am working on changing the tides.  The highs and lows need a better coping mechanism.  Old ties to food need to be broken and new declarations need to be made.  This is not just a passing thought.  This is a declaration.  Yes, I do "need" food but I do not need to perceive it this way.

2018 Marine Corps Ball in Irvine, CA Wearing a size 10 dress

Here's where I have begun on this road towards post-traumatic growth...

  1. Admission:  I am now 173.8 lbs.  I have gained weight due to inactivity and mindless, coping mechanisms.
  2. Intention:  My body is my own.  I can either feed it to fuel happiness and accomplishment or I can comfort feed it to continue playing it small and safe.
  3. Self-Talk:  Statements of "I have never done _____ but I think I can" instead of "I don't think I can do that"
  4. Gratitude:  Remove your focus on the negativity and place your mind in a place of gratitude.  Want to change your life?  Change your focus.
  5. Stop thinking:  Not everything needs to be thought through.  Just go and have fun!

A lifelong journey takes lifelong work.  I will not get to where I am meant to be and then just magically stay there.

If you are not growing, you are dying.