What I never blogged about... These truths sting to admit but I have always tried to keep this a place of authenticity. Of accountability. Of the real, hard scary monster being exposed. But...
I never told you about the cleanse pills that I would take in order to try to kickstart my weight loss because other people around me were losing pounds and I was only losing ounces.
I never told you about the laxative pills I would take when it wasn’t going fast enough. I would lose a pound in a week but then I would eat one meal that was slightly over my calorie counts and I would wake up the next morning 4 pounds heavier.
I never told you that once I was a size 2 I used to eat the entire container of Nutella in one day with a spoon. I mean hey, who would know? I was a size freaking 2. You wouldn't see that jar of Nutella on me, so why not?
I never told you how I would look into the mirror and still see 265 pounds looking back at me unless you told me I looked amazing and skinny. I craved that constant confirmation from everyone else that I really was "skinny" or "fit".
I never told you these things because they weren't pretty and let's be honest, people don't want to hear things that are like fairy tales or filled with crazy amounts of courage or determination.
I never told you that I felt like a fraud at the gym because I was a personal trainer that didn’t work out anymore. I tried to do everything for everyone else but I lost myself. I lost my own motivation while I endlessly encouraged everyone else to keep on keepin on.
I didn't tell you guys any of this because what they wrought was shame and guilt. I knew what I was doing was wrong. That’s why I hate it and really that’s the problem. I lived this life of "healthy changes" but all of the healthy changes are merely external changes.
I didn’t replace the fact that I wanted a drink or a pizza (yes, the whole pizza) when I was sad or depressed.
I didn’t replace the fact that growing up my father used to drink in excess after working out and I just saw it as what a "fit" person would do.
I didn’t deal with the fact that my stepfather would bring home large pizzas or wings and soda when he was having his good days. And on his bad days, he would drink until the point he was passed out.
I didn’t tell you that I have lived this life of using food to cope with sadness, negligence, abandonment, abuse, and mourning.
That’s just not a happy story. That’s not what people want to hear. They want to hear that the weight just fell off. Or you found some protein shake or a workout plan that was amazing. And then with a blink of an eye or wiggle of a nose, my entire world has changed, but the reality is that things don’t work that way. And there’s an actual beauty in darkness. It pulls you in and it wants you to stay there with it. It lures you to keep grabbing another spoon, getting another piece of cake, taking another bite. It tells you that you can go out there and pretend to the world that you can eat whatever you want now and there’s no guilt. It tells you that you are going to need to do that double run when you get home, though, because you are terrified of gaining even one single pound back now. People will forget you if you gain a couple pounds. You won't be skinny anymore so you also won't be pretty. So you go home and run. Almost puking up the meal you had. And you keep running through it because this is your life now. You have no willpower. You have no control. You have not changed.
The reality of it all is...you just haven’t dug deeper to find what the real problem is.
And the real problem is that things are messy and that's okay. We need to learn to embrace the mess. The mess doesn’t mean that you need to be fixed. It just means you’re alive. You are a living, breathing body that needs to be free of all the guilt and the shame. You are beautifully broken. Wonderfully imperfect. You are exactly how He intended you to be. He is not a god of coincidence. He is an all-knowing God that created your entire plan when He created you in your mother's womb. We live in a broken world filled with darkness, but He has already planned for this. He has already set us apart for something special. Yes, we have this pain in our lives but you guys, through the pain, we grow. We fight to become something better than we were yesterday. We strive more. We push more. We live more. Through the pain, we are born into what we are meant to be. So no...none of that was "pretty". The "skinny" attention didn't last. The sadness consumed, but girl, I am pushing through. And you need to, too. Don't ever allow all of that to own you.
And that my friend, that is why I post this. To let it all go. Give it all to God.
I hope you have an amazing week, my friend!
PS You are wonderfully & beautifully imperfect AND loved beyond measure.